Becoming 23!
Hi friends, it’s me, Van. And this is an ongoing effort to document a year in my life.
As you might or might not know, I just turned 23 not too long ago. Frankly, I don’t really like celebrating my chronological age that much (in psychology, the number of years we live is called chronological age, and we also have other ages, such as social, psychological, and biological). However, I will remember nothing if I don’t do it, and if I write them separately, it will be hard to follow up later. That said, I will update the blog whenever I have new experiences or lessons this year.
Journey 01: Returning home
Where, or who, do you think of when you think of the word “home”?
It can be someone, some people, a place, an event, and so on. You have your answers.
As for me, home is inside. It is me. It is my mindful breath. My presence. My peace. I have no specific person that I consider “home”. And I have learned that: “you are the only one in this world who you walk alongside with forever. Everybody can leave you, but you.”
That is not a dark secret or a gloomy way of thinking, per se. It is just a truth that needs to be accepted. So, I came back to Magnolia Grove Monastery for a week. If you want, you can join me every first week of December annually.
Magnolia Grove, MS- December 2025
I hesitated a bit before I got here. I felt lazy, you know. In there, we have a schedule for every day, like a calendar that we used to have when we were middle or high school students. Our lives surround sitting meditation (about 1 hour per day, both morning and evening); silent eating; stopping whenever we hear the bell ring; Dharma talks; chanting; walking meditation, and noble silence.
If life is chaotic and the mind is yearning for rest, it would be a perfect escape. However, my life was so steady at the time. No new events, na da.
I lacked motivation to continue practicing, though I have been practicing meditation for a couple of years.
I did a lot of things in 2025. I moved forward with the speed of a racing car. I didn’t need to stop. I was fine.
Until I reached my boundaries, I didn’t feel excited to start my day, nor did I feel grateful for the blessings that I have. I took things for granted, and I lost patience. I was jealous whenever someone had something better than I did. Though I have some money after working throughout the year, I am no longer the same person.
So, I stepped forward with the expectation to learn something new about myself.
It was challenging for a few days. Doing nothing has become the hardest thing facing by modern human species, including me. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t have the inspiration to write anything.
A few days after that, I was more open to conversations and group sharings. I learn to listen deeply to people. Yet, sitting still for 45 minutes has always been an obstacle for me. I don’t like it!
Getting back home, I still haven’t really been inspired or reflected on anything new. All the practices are still the same. All the teaching is also the same. There is no need to repeat the teachings if I haven’t spent enough time to experience them.
And so, the biggest lesson is:
Nothing
I do not need to learn every day, all the time. I already have all the answers I need within me. I need to keep an open space within me to let things go and ask, “So what?”
“So what” is a powerful practice.
If things go unplanned, asking “so what?” helps me accept it and go with it.
When I love someone, “so what?” reminds me that emotions are impermanent; today I feel love, tomorrow I might not feel the same, and it is okay.
When I feel frustrated or experience difficult emotions, “so what?” means that things will be fine; slow down and breathe. I need to untie the notion that “I have to be a wise person, I have to share something deep whenever I practice something.” I am nothing. I am nobody. I am free!
