On Returning to Myself
Hey, it’s Van.
I’m back with a little life update, checking in to see how you’ve been and sharing where I’ve been, internally and externally. It has been a while since I showed up publicly. Life pulled me inward for a season, and only now do I feel ready to speak again.
Earlier today, we buried one of my furry friends, Leo, into the gentle arms of Mother Earth. Just a few months before, I lost another companion. Grief has a way of softening us, slowing us down, and forcing us into honesty. Their passing became a quiet turning point for me, an invitation to pause, reflect, and be present. That’s when I realized I needed to step away from noise and set aside some times to write.
So I became a bit of a hermit again, by choice. I stepped back from the chaotic rhythm of digital life and turned toward stillness, school, and self-understanding. This term, I’m taking five classes (15 credit hours) while working full-time. If you want to have a clearer estimation, that mean I have to work continuously 12-14 hours per day, everyday, for months. Somehow, I’m alive, and surprisingly, I enjoy most of it. I find myself slipping into flow when I study, especially with subjects I love. I even plan to take six or seven classes next spring because apparently I like a challenge, and I am transferring to a bigger school next fall to continue my higher education.
There is no secret or tips to manage all of that, if you ask me. Three main things I could think of are adequate sleep (8 hours at least), so I would be fully focus when I study: about 200 minutes of physical exercises, including running per week; and nutritional assistance from my sister (she cooks for me).
In my previous blog, I mentioned rejoining social media and trying out dating apps. Long story short: I used three of them, and let’s just say… my Dating App Era did not end triumphantly. People talked and then disappeared like our conversations were limited-time offers. So I deleted the apps, along with Instagram and Facebook. When I quit social media three years ago, so it wasn’t harder this time. I am in fact enjoying myself better and better.
Meanwhile, my classes have been reshaping how I see the world. Social psychology has been especially fascinating. I’ve learned about prejudices, biases, relationships, attraction, and how people influence one another. The more I learn, the less I trust myself in terms of the quick and automatic reactions that I have when approaching a situation or a person, and the more I pause to ask, “Is this really true, or just my brain being efficient and biased? Why people act that way?” I’ve also accepted that dating apps might not be my path, especially since proximity- the geographical closeness and real interaction play such a strong role in attraction, love and intimacy.
I learn about stages and difficulties people face upon life span in Developmental Psychology. One thing that stick to my mind the most is that the older people enjoy sex and be more sexual active than we tend to think, surprised? And that a lot of adolescents do think of suicide and have self-harm actions. About 13.8% of individuals ages 12–17 experienced at least one major depressive episode in the past year, and suicide remains the third leading cause of death among U.S. adolescents.
My Human Sexuality class has been equally eye-opening. I never received a comprehensive sex education growing up, so learning about intimacy, communication, love, and the human body feels like reclaiming something important. Sex is a natural expression of bonding and connection, and we deserve to make informed, authentic choices, not ones shaped by shame or silence.
Through all of this—grief, studying, deleting apps, reflecting—I realized I have been slowly, quietly returning to myself. Choosing peace over noise. Depth over distraction. Connection over performance. Knowledge over impulsivity. I don’t know exactly where this path will lead, but I do know I’m walking it with more clarity than before. Maybe one day you’ll see me as a psychologist, or even Dr. Van, that seed has been planted.
Thank you for reading this far. Truly. And now I want to know: how have you been, and what has life been teaching you lately?
